12 January 2009

Vol. 1, Issue 13 | At the Risk of Sounding Terribly Melodramatic...

[originally written 06 August 2007, 10:52am]

i am utterly, completely, maddeningly devoid of all creative ideas. my imagination has taken an unscheduled, unapproved absence, spanning months now. i've committed to creating one painting for the upcoming rooftop show... ONE. PAINTING. JUST ONE! and i'm at a total loss. and i've been this way for what feels like forever now. FOR. EVER. granted, i've got a lengthy list to draw inspiration from... an idea here, an idea there... all jotted down, organized with notes and sketches, details concerning the origin of the inspiration, etcetera, etcetera... but it's all meaningless to me. not that they aren't brilliant ideas and concepts, because they are. i mean, i came up with them; how could they not be? but they need to be passed on to those who'll breathe life into them, and right now, that's not going to be me. i've nothing to provide in the way of infusing these ideas with any sort of anima. it's monumentally frustrating.

and yes, it's affected my demeanor towards others. for those who've asked 'what's wrong?', and i've answered 'nothing' or some other equally horseshit answer, it's because saying that it's everything invites an explanation that i'm neither capable nor inclined to provide. i don't bloody know what it is specifically, but i'm in such a state from all this unclassifiable anguish that i'm ready to crawl out of my increasingly uncomfortable skin, almost literally, even as i type this. and i'm not attempting to solicit sympathies or decry 'o poor me'. christ, you know perfectly well that i cannot abide that behaviour in myself. i'm just acknowledging my emotional state at present, as best i can, in hopes that i can somehow make sense of the whole bloody mess. i'm not really looking for advice either... i'm rarely one to take it, even when solicited, so save yourself the headache... like i said. i'm just emoting for the sake of emoting.
partially unrelated, but an epiphany i had yesterday... it's likely that my epitaph, should i be unfortunate to pass on prematurely, will read: "huh... i guess i should have said 'no'."
Portlandia Prevails.

No comments:

Post a Comment