12 January 2009

Vol. 0, Issue 20 | Swinging the Bat

[originally posted 06 February 2006, 2:41pm]

• originally written at Backspace, 5:55pm, Sunday, 2/5/06 •

On something of a caffeine buzz. Too much coffee, not enough food. And I’m about to have more. Which may reflect in my writing. Still... Need to clear my head of these thoughts nonetheless.

Bear in mind that I rarely do things without a certain amount of premeditation regardless of how spontaneous some of my actions may seem. And with that premeditation comes motive. I have no idea what I meant by this. It's true, but it doesn't have anything to do with anything.

...sorry. Moment of distraction. Some guy just walked in, acting rather odd. Bad mojo. Real bad. Fuck. This is what I hate about being in public. There is always the X-factor. The kinda trouble you can sense, but can’t outwardly see, usually because it isn’t triggered. Yet. And you sure as Hell don’t wanna be around when it does.

Meh... I’m stalling. Onward.

Monogamy. I’ve spent my adult life as a serial monogamist. Never really dated. Not in any way that didn’t result in a long-term relationship. Only a couple one night stands. Relatively tame overall with a few high points. This has been followed by a two-year stint of being utterly single. None of this a complaint or regret. Merely stating the facts. And from all of that, I’ve learned this: I’m not a monogamist.

More precisely, I’ve no interest in continuing monogamous relationships. Not that I’m saying that I’m a raging hedonist, interested in naught but bacchanal orgies. Factually, I’ve been predominately celibate, save one instance, for the two years I’ve been functionally single. Which has allowed time for much meditation on the subject. And I’ve concluded that I’m more of a polygamist. Of sorts. ...I have no real idea of how to articulate my point, especially since I have relational issues that require addressing in a different forum.

(A brief aside: The music has just switched to a techno cover of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer.” Sung by a man with a deep guttural tone and German accent. Heh.)

Where was I? Oh, right.

This is where I get phenomenally tongue-tied. The rest of these thoughts are still so much flotsam in the sea of my mind... unformed... lacking definition. As such, I’m hesitant in relaying some of this as it sounds (to me, anyway) subtly misogynistic at best. But the point of this is to get these thoughts out of my system so that I can view them externally.

I am attracted to a fair amount of women. Many of them, I’ll be honest, based solely on physical appearance. I have a physical ‘type’ that will turn my head, every time, without fail. (Case in point, such an example is standing very close to my table at present, smiling coyly.) Fortunately, I’ve learned that looks without a personality I can connect with are meaningless. Which makes it difficult, if not damn near impossible, for me to engage in the meat-market bar scene one-nighter mentality. This is true, which doesn't match up with statements I make later. This is what I mean about unaddressed issues & failure to articulate. (More on that momentarily.) As such, there have been women I’m attracted to based more on personality than whether or not they match a particular type.

A brief observation: I don’t believe that anyone I’ve ever dated/been married to has ever matched either of these criteria. Hurm. I’ve a theory, but that’ll also need to wait a moment.

(Another aside: Music has switched to an electronic piece incorporating the Carmina Burana. Aces.)

Where was I going with this? Let’s see… I have been fostering new relationships with women whom I find attractive for diverse reasons. All of them platonic, also for diverse reasons. But the one that surfaces in each situation has more to do with my personal track record and what I’ve learned from it: sex complicates matters. Which is not a complication I particularly want in any of these relationships. In some cases, yes, it would be welcome. But not at the cost of whatever connection I happen to have with whomever.

See, that just doesn’t sound right, does it? Like I said: unformed and lacking definition. Let me try this. I’ll go back to the things I said I’d discuss later, like not really being able to be a one-night stand type of guy, or never dating anyone whom meets my aforementioned criteria. They’re interconnected, those two. The latter is much more obvious to me: I’ve never dated anyone I could be a friend of because I never wanted, at some subconscious level, the relationship to last. This isn't accurate. Not wholly. That’s a revelation I had a couple months back that hit hard. Sure, it’s been easy to place blame on the people I’ve been involved with, and I still recognize what behavior of theirs was reprehensible. But I took a clearer look and found that I created scenarios and situations causing the other to react negatively towards me. Because I didn’t really respect them, or maybe didn’t even like them as people. This isn't accurate either. Were it accurate, then the notion that I can't indulge in one night stands makes no sense. And I can't honestly say that I didn't befriend or respect any of my exes, otherwise, even with the subconscious attempts at sabotage, I'd have never found a reason to be with that person for any length of time. No... there's something else here. I just haven't put my finger on it yet. Judas Priest, that’s fucked up. I mean that’s really fucked up. I knew that when I thought it, but to see that written down... I mean, what the Hell was wrong with me? Oh right. I was stupid. And now? Now I don’t want to be stupid, nor can I afford to be stupid.

I know, I know. I’m rambling, and all over the map, and completely off my original focus. I’m getting there. Really, I am.

Women I like... women I’m attracted to... I’m uncomfortable even flirting with, which makes me come across a bit stiff. Which would explain why I've been using alcohol more often in social situations. That's a disturbing trend. Because I’m attracted, and I value whatever it is that we have to offer each other that I’d rather maintain a platonic-yet-emotional or intellectual bond instead of complicating matters by attempting to become physical.

Y’know what... A friend wrote a similar sentiment recently, in a much more succinct manner that I cannot for the life of me seem to mirror. How irritating. Wait. I know why.

I’m not keeping this simple. I’m talking around the subject out of concern of how it may sound yet I purportedly don’t really give a rat’s ass about how I appear to others. Apparently I do give a rat’s ass about how I appear to you people. Fair enough.

This is what it boils down to. I love having relationships (regardless of how you define that) with different women. I don’t expect any one woman to be able to be all that I need or want, nor do I realistically expect any woman to find me to be the end-all, be-all in her life. I rather enjoy the single life, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also enjoy the intellectual, emotional and/or physical connections with a woman from time to time. A while ago, I talked about a dream I had, and the message I took away from that dream was to appreciate whatever happens in the here and now more often, because it’s fleeting. This isn't what this boils down to. I don't know what it boils down to, but I feel closer to it now. Need to think some more...

Edit: 2/6/06 – It’s likely that none of this makes any sense. My stream of conscious writing is occasionally suspect, brought on by who knows what. As I revisit this, I’ll edit it as I clarify my thoughts. Also, should anyone actually comment here, that’ll also help me get a clearer picture. That’s my hope anyway.

Edit: 2/6/06, 5:42p - Done some revisions, some annotations. I need to sort this out.

Epilogue: 2/6/06, 6:00p -

That was quite possibly the most self-important, nonsensical waste of time that I've ever indulged in. Ever. It doesn't even make any sense, at all. None of it.

Let me be succinct. I am deliberately single. I prefer the company of friends to that of a significant other. I will occasionally be rather affectionate towards my single female friends. If I overstep my bounds: Tell me since I'm dumb like a moose. If it's cool: Tell me since I'm dumb like a moose.

None of you need to hear the rest of my bullshit. I appreciate your tolerance, but I'm embarrassed. And I'm leaving up the post to remind me to stop doing stupid things like that.

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