Vol. 2, Issue 2 | I'm (Still) With Sam.

Had a completely different rant lined up for today. Then I read the headlines. Wanted to put into words how I feel today, of all days. Realized words wouldn't do.

But a picture would.

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Portlandia Prevails. As will we all.

Vol 2, Issue 1 | Mehwhidge

Been receiving a slew of invitations and announcements for weddings in the past few weeks. One of them from an ex-lover, which, though everything is water under the bridge now, still hit me harder than expected. Not in any "It could've been me" kind of way, but in the way that... regardless of how any relationship ends for me, I still carry love in my heart for the other person. Sometimes it changes, and sometimes remains an untouched memento of how things began, but it's always there.

In other words, I'm not reacting to regrets. I am, at some level, envious.

I've been mulling over this topic for a couple weeks now, specifically why marriage (regardless of who's) is suddenly evoking such an emotional response in me. And I've discovered that I've still not resolved how I feel about all of this. (Case in point, this is the third or fifth draft of this entry.) Instead, I've decided to state what I do know/feel:

• I am dating, in a very non-traditional sense, a woman whom I love, unequivocally.
• I am happy with, excited by, and anxious about all this relationship will bring about.
• I am, in my moments of uncertainty, distracted by traditional relationships, and the comfort of their familiarity.

And that's really it. Granted, it's not simple or easy (except when it is), but what we're doing isn't any more or less valid than anyone else's relationship. I know that my wanting to retreat into something familiar, especially when the Universe repeatedly throws it in my face, is part of adjusting to something so new, so different from where I've been. But the reward to facing my own insecurities is evolving into someone that I want to be. And I get to have someone amazing to share that with. Slowly, but surely, I am understanding this, both emotionally and logically. It is exactly what I want.

It just doesn't fit neatly into the Facebook "relationship status" drop-down menu.

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Portlandia Prevails... and Evolves.

Vol. 2, Issue 0 | Back to the Blogosphere

I had planned on writing a whole intro to this blog, including a history of my writing, explanations as to why, and explaining why I was even migrating my original posts from their home at LiveJournal.

And then, I realized: Fuck it.

I knew if I did that, then I'd never, ever get any of this started. And I'm tired of not getting started on projects, let alone being continually frustrated w/ my inability to complete anything I've started. But that's a rant for another day.

Anyway... the thirty-some-odd posts that have gone up in the past few days are those that exemplify my particular writing style (or lack thereof), and the content I intend to cover as I move forward.

And moving forward is the whole reason that I've bothered to do this. I've recently realized that I want... need... to chronicle my thoughts & actions in this fashion, so that I stop living in my head so damned much, and actually interact with the world around me.

And there it is. An introduction, of sorts. Which, if you've read my work already, you should be accustomed to by now.

Portlandia Prevails.

Vol. 1, Issue 17 | I Am Jack's Acute Memory Loss

[originally written 24 January 2008, 10:10am]

So...

A few weeks ago, I mentioned in one of my twitter posts that I had what I considered to be a walking blackout -- I lost three blocks while walking home from the grocery store. Completely gone. I've never had a blackout before, nor anything remotely similar to this. Naturally, I was freaked.

Fast forward to yesterday -- I see my doctor, describe the events leading up to the event, talk about the headaches I was having before & after the blackout, etc, etc. I'm given the diagnosis of "cluster headaches." Reading up on cluster headaches, it would appear that I'm a textbook case. Yip. Pee. And the extra fun part of this? As explanation of the blackout, I'm told that cluster headaches can cause amnesia.

Amnesia.

Brilliant. I can't wait to see if my bloodwork holds any other surprises for me.

Meh...

I'm fine. Or will be. I'm just going to be weird for a while. Well, weirder than usual.

Vol. 1, Issue 16 | A Seasonal Greeting, of Sorts...

[originally written 24 December 2007, 12:18pm]

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I don't normally do this.

Christmas, I mean.

Granted, I attend a few gatherings & get-togethers during this season. But in a quick survey of my home, you won't find a tree, stocking, gift-wrapped packages or any such indication that it's even the holidays.

It's not that I dislike Christmas. It's not. I mean, I can't recount a single ruined holiday from my childhood, nor have I ever had a disastrous homecoming in my adult life. I'd describe my feelings towards Christmas as "benign apathy."

And I think I know why.

I don't use the season as rationale for getting together with friends & family.

But I think there are a lot of people in our society who do. Who need to. Because, for whatever reason, they can't seem to bridge that gap that sometimes separates us from the ones we love unless we have some external excuse to do so.

Like a holiday.

And then we add in our own neuroses, expectations, obligations, and guilt.

Yeesh... Talk about holiday cheer.

Anyway, my point... and I do have one... is this:

I've one wish – for everyone to get together with your family (however that's defined), and your friends, year-round, and do so just because. We don't need reasons. We don't need holidays. We have enough of a reason just because we love and care for one another.

That's my wish. Not just for Christmas, but for the upcoming year, and many years to come.

Yes, I know it's rather naïve in principle. I mean, it's never that simple, right?

Unless we make it that simple.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and may all your years, new and old, be filled with happiness.

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Portlandia wishes you a merry little Christmas.