Vol 2, Issue 1 | Mehwhidge

Been receiving a slew of invitations and announcements for weddings in the past few weeks. One of them from an ex-lover, which, though everything is water under the bridge now, still hit me harder than expected. Not in any "It could've been me" kind of way, but in the way that... regardless of how any relationship ends for me, I still carry love in my heart for the other person. Sometimes it changes, and sometimes remains an untouched memento of how things began, but it's always there.

In other words, I'm not reacting to regrets. I am, at some level, envious.

I've been mulling over this topic for a couple weeks now, specifically why marriage (regardless of who's) is suddenly evoking such an emotional response in me. And I've discovered that I've still not resolved how I feel about all of this. (Case in point, this is the third or fifth draft of this entry.) Instead, I've decided to state what I do know/feel:

• I am dating, in a very non-traditional sense, a woman whom I love, unequivocally.
• I am happy with, excited by, and anxious about all this relationship will bring about.
• I am, in my moments of uncertainty, distracted by traditional relationships, and the comfort of their familiarity.

And that's really it. Granted, it's not simple or easy (except when it is), but what we're doing isn't any more or less valid than anyone else's relationship. I know that my wanting to retreat into something familiar, especially when the Universe repeatedly throws it in my face, is part of adjusting to something so new, so different from where I've been. But the reward to facing my own insecurities is evolving into someone that I want to be. And I get to have someone amazing to share that with. Slowly, but surely, I am understanding this, both emotionally and logically. It is exactly what I want.

It just doesn't fit neatly into the Facebook "relationship status" drop-down menu.

---

Portlandia Prevails... and Evolves.

Vol. 1, Issue 17 | I Am Jack's Acute Memory Loss

[originally written 24 January 2008, 10:10am]

So...

A few weeks ago, I mentioned in one of my twitter posts that I had what I considered to be a walking blackout -- I lost three blocks while walking home from the grocery store. Completely gone. I've never had a blackout before, nor anything remotely similar to this. Naturally, I was freaked.

Fast forward to yesterday -- I see my doctor, describe the events leading up to the event, talk about the headaches I was having before & after the blackout, etc, etc. I'm given the diagnosis of "cluster headaches." Reading up on cluster headaches, it would appear that I'm a textbook case. Yip. Pee. And the extra fun part of this? As explanation of the blackout, I'm told that cluster headaches can cause amnesia.

Amnesia.

Brilliant. I can't wait to see if my bloodwork holds any other surprises for me.

Meh...

I'm fine. Or will be. I'm just going to be weird for a while. Well, weirder than usual.

Vol. 1, Issue 16 | A Seasonal Greeting, of Sorts...

[originally written 24 December 2007, 12:18pm]

---

I don't normally do this.

Christmas, I mean.

Granted, I attend a few gatherings & get-togethers during this season. But in a quick survey of my home, you won't find a tree, stocking, gift-wrapped packages or any such indication that it's even the holidays.

It's not that I dislike Christmas. It's not. I mean, I can't recount a single ruined holiday from my childhood, nor have I ever had a disastrous homecoming in my adult life. I'd describe my feelings towards Christmas as "benign apathy."

And I think I know why.

I don't use the season as rationale for getting together with friends & family.

But I think there are a lot of people in our society who do. Who need to. Because, for whatever reason, they can't seem to bridge that gap that sometimes separates us from the ones we love unless we have some external excuse to do so.

Like a holiday.

And then we add in our own neuroses, expectations, obligations, and guilt.

Yeesh... Talk about holiday cheer.

Anyway, my point... and I do have one... is this:

I've one wish – for everyone to get together with your family (however that's defined), and your friends, year-round, and do so just because. We don't need reasons. We don't need holidays. We have enough of a reason just because we love and care for one another.

That's my wish. Not just for Christmas, but for the upcoming year, and many years to come.

Yes, I know it's rather naïve in principle. I mean, it's never that simple, right?

Unless we make it that simple.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and may all your years, new and old, be filled with happiness.

---

Portlandia wishes you a merry little Christmas.

Vol. 1, Issue 11 | Deciphering the Secret Language of Mix Tapes

[originally written 17 August 2006, 5:29pm]

...or rather, cee-dees. finding that theme, that lyric, that intended-yet-subconscious message from creator to receiver... the one that says everything that isn't being said...

because it is saccharine and cliché to say those three little words? is that it? to profess love. no, not profess. to name it. to call it by a name we've given it and use to cheapen it by exclaiming that we have it for inanimate objects and television programs and ultimately forget what it actually feels like. likened unto taoism... it is unnamable, unexplainable, unencumbered by all that is petty and small.

and yet...

i find that little smile, because
i've got you and you've got me.
i've got you... you've got me
everybody knows
i've got you... you've got me
i've got you... you've got me

prophet 6-zero-0-9-one... you can hurt me... proximity alarms?
s-h one-0-1-five-1... i can hurt you... hearts too close... collision imminent.
the serial numbers of affection... adoration... physicality... sure, intimacy creates opportunity for pain, but also pleasure, in all its forms.

you won't have to strain to look into my eyes.

i want to take you far
from the cynics in this town
and kiss you on the mouth

we'll give ourselves new names
identities erased

am i forgetting myself again? becoming a caricature of myself... i stumble across a private entry in my journal, talking about the biochemical reaction that i have in her presence. does it somehow negate my own identity? or push me to be the idealized version of myself, the one i keep in my head, to guide my thoughts and actions?

what does it mean? i'm left to ponder... my personal version of jack's lament...

i find no concrete answers in the tracks... but i do find solace.

---

Portlandia Prevails.

Vol. 0, Issue 20 | Swinging the Bat

[originally posted 06 February 2006, 2:41pm]

• originally written at Backspace, 5:55pm, Sunday, 2/5/06 •

On something of a caffeine buzz. Too much coffee, not enough food. And I’m about to have more. Which may reflect in my writing. Still... Need to clear my head of these thoughts nonetheless.

Bear in mind that I rarely do things without a certain amount of premeditation regardless of how spontaneous some of my actions may seem. And with that premeditation comes motive. I have no idea what I meant by this. It's true, but it doesn't have anything to do with anything.

...sorry. Moment of distraction. Some guy just walked in, acting rather odd. Bad mojo. Real bad. Fuck. This is what I hate about being in public. There is always the X-factor. The kinda trouble you can sense, but can’t outwardly see, usually because it isn’t triggered. Yet. And you sure as Hell don’t wanna be around when it does.

Meh... I’m stalling. Onward.

Monogamy. I’ve spent my adult life as a serial monogamist. Never really dated. Not in any way that didn’t result in a long-term relationship. Only a couple one night stands. Relatively tame overall with a few high points. This has been followed by a two-year stint of being utterly single. None of this a complaint or regret. Merely stating the facts. And from all of that, I’ve learned this: I’m not a monogamist.

More precisely, I’ve no interest in continuing monogamous relationships. Not that I’m saying that I’m a raging hedonist, interested in naught but bacchanal orgies. Factually, I’ve been predominately celibate, save one instance, for the two years I’ve been functionally single. Which has allowed time for much meditation on the subject. And I’ve concluded that I’m more of a polygamist. Of sorts. ...I have no real idea of how to articulate my point, especially since I have relational issues that require addressing in a different forum.

(A brief aside: The music has just switched to a techno cover of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer.” Sung by a man with a deep guttural tone and German accent. Heh.)

Where was I? Oh, right.

This is where I get phenomenally tongue-tied. The rest of these thoughts are still so much flotsam in the sea of my mind... unformed... lacking definition. As such, I’m hesitant in relaying some of this as it sounds (to me, anyway) subtly misogynistic at best. But the point of this is to get these thoughts out of my system so that I can view them externally.

I am attracted to a fair amount of women. Many of them, I’ll be honest, based solely on physical appearance. I have a physical ‘type’ that will turn my head, every time, without fail. (Case in point, such an example is standing very close to my table at present, smiling coyly.) Fortunately, I’ve learned that looks without a personality I can connect with are meaningless. Which makes it difficult, if not damn near impossible, for me to engage in the meat-market bar scene one-nighter mentality. This is true, which doesn't match up with statements I make later. This is what I mean about unaddressed issues & failure to articulate. (More on that momentarily.) As such, there have been women I’m attracted to based more on personality than whether or not they match a particular type.

A brief observation: I don’t believe that anyone I’ve ever dated/been married to has ever matched either of these criteria. Hurm. I’ve a theory, but that’ll also need to wait a moment.

(Another aside: Music has switched to an electronic piece incorporating the Carmina Burana. Aces.)

Where was I going with this? Let’s see… I have been fostering new relationships with women whom I find attractive for diverse reasons. All of them platonic, also for diverse reasons. But the one that surfaces in each situation has more to do with my personal track record and what I’ve learned from it: sex complicates matters. Which is not a complication I particularly want in any of these relationships. In some cases, yes, it would be welcome. But not at the cost of whatever connection I happen to have with whomever.

See, that just doesn’t sound right, does it? Like I said: unformed and lacking definition. Let me try this. I’ll go back to the things I said I’d discuss later, like not really being able to be a one-night stand type of guy, or never dating anyone whom meets my aforementioned criteria. They’re interconnected, those two. The latter is much more obvious to me: I’ve never dated anyone I could be a friend of because I never wanted, at some subconscious level, the relationship to last. This isn't accurate. Not wholly. That’s a revelation I had a couple months back that hit hard. Sure, it’s been easy to place blame on the people I’ve been involved with, and I still recognize what behavior of theirs was reprehensible. But I took a clearer look and found that I created scenarios and situations causing the other to react negatively towards me. Because I didn’t really respect them, or maybe didn’t even like them as people. This isn't accurate either. Were it accurate, then the notion that I can't indulge in one night stands makes no sense. And I can't honestly say that I didn't befriend or respect any of my exes, otherwise, even with the subconscious attempts at sabotage, I'd have never found a reason to be with that person for any length of time. No... there's something else here. I just haven't put my finger on it yet. Judas Priest, that’s fucked up. I mean that’s really fucked up. I knew that when I thought it, but to see that written down... I mean, what the Hell was wrong with me? Oh right. I was stupid. And now? Now I don’t want to be stupid, nor can I afford to be stupid.

I know, I know. I’m rambling, and all over the map, and completely off my original focus. I’m getting there. Really, I am.

Women I like... women I’m attracted to... I’m uncomfortable even flirting with, which makes me come across a bit stiff. Which would explain why I've been using alcohol more often in social situations. That's a disturbing trend. Because I’m attracted, and I value whatever it is that we have to offer each other that I’d rather maintain a platonic-yet-emotional or intellectual bond instead of complicating matters by attempting to become physical.

Y’know what... A friend wrote a similar sentiment recently, in a much more succinct manner that I cannot for the life of me seem to mirror. How irritating. Wait. I know why.

I’m not keeping this simple. I’m talking around the subject out of concern of how it may sound yet I purportedly don’t really give a rat’s ass about how I appear to others. Apparently I do give a rat’s ass about how I appear to you people. Fair enough.

This is what it boils down to. I love having relationships (regardless of how you define that) with different women. I don’t expect any one woman to be able to be all that I need or want, nor do I realistically expect any woman to find me to be the end-all, be-all in her life. I rather enjoy the single life, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also enjoy the intellectual, emotional and/or physical connections with a woman from time to time. A while ago, I talked about a dream I had, and the message I took away from that dream was to appreciate whatever happens in the here and now more often, because it’s fleeting. This isn't what this boils down to. I don't know what it boils down to, but I feel closer to it now. Need to think some more...


Edit: 2/6/06 – It’s likely that none of this makes any sense. My stream of conscious writing is occasionally suspect, brought on by who knows what. As I revisit this, I’ll edit it as I clarify my thoughts. Also, should anyone actually comment here, that’ll also help me get a clearer picture. That’s my hope anyway.

Edit: 2/6/06, 5:42p - Done some revisions, some annotations. I need to sort this out.

Epilogue: 2/6/06, 6:00p - Well.

That was quite possibly the most self-important, nonsensical waste of time that I've ever indulged in. Ever. It doesn't even make any sense, at all. None of it.

Let me be succinct. I am deliberately single. I prefer the company of friends to that of a significant other. I will occasionally be rather affectionate towards my single female friends. If I overstep my bounds: Tell me since I'm dumb like a moose. If it's cool: Tell me since I'm dumb like a moose.

None of you need to hear the rest of my bullshit. I appreciate your tolerance, but I'm embarrassed. And I'm leaving up the post to remind me to stop doing stupid things like that.

Vol. 0, Issue 19 | "...that you but slumbered here whilst these visions did appear."

[originally written 20 January 2006, 12:47pm]

Last night, I dreamt that I was with a woman of recent acquaintance. Talking. Sharing. Emoting. Attaining a kind of connection... the kind you find in those romantic films that really reach you, emotionally... the kind that you can never accurately describe to anyone who’s never been in love... that kind of connection, where there was the perfect balance of understanding and acceptance for anything not understood. Where anyone on the outside looking in could see it in our actions, our body language, our stolen glances.

...Hmm? Who was she? Judas Priest! Trust me when I say that it doesn’t really matter... except, maybe, to me. ‘She’ is representative of an archetype and therefore ‘her’ identity is coincidental. ‘She’ could’ve easily been replaced by any celebrity du jour or any character from a television show that I’d fallen asleep to while watching.

Besides, I never know who’s reading this these days... Where was I? Right.

At some point, I’m aware that we’re in a ‘first date’ situation, and that it has lasted for nearly 24 hours. We are laying on the grass, watching the sky, our heads together with our bodies pointing in opposite directions. Still talking. Euphoric in that realization that this…THIS ...is what we have been looking for… individually... collectively as humans... this, the essence of sonnets... and that it is mutually reciprocal. I remember nothing specific from any of the conversations, just the general feeling that they were the best I’ve ever had. In reality, I have had moments such as this, felt that connected at some level, and thus I’m able to recognize the rarity & beauty of the situation.

A moment of silence. She reaches over to touch my face, kissing me gently. She then rises and walks into her house, pausing to turn back and smile at me before entering. I walk slowly to the window, somehow already aware of what I will see.

She stands in the living room, in full bridal splendor, with a groom & wedding party & guests. I watch the proceedings for as long as I can before turning away, taking that long walk home. Before waking, my last thought is how beautiful (albeit more traditional than I’d have expected) she looked.

The heavy-handed metaphors and allegories aside, I’m still sorting this all out in my head. Twice now, just thinking about this today has me in a state. I’m wiping tears out of my eyes trying to type this. I’ve been utterly manic today, presumably to combat the overwhelming depressive swing I can feel lurking behind my eyes. Remember... I laugh not because it’s funny, but to keep from screaming.

I don’t know if I’m putting this out there, hoping that someone... anyone... has an answer, or if I’m just doing it just to get it out of my head, or a little bit of both. That last one seems most likely. Dunno... But it’s out there now. Meh... nevermind.

To paraphrase my friend Melissa: “Who needs therapy when you have the Internet?”